• Saturday, August 30, 2014

A Guide to Manly Facial Care

Nifath Karim Chowdhury

It must be so difficult being a boy. Man. Male. Think of all the running and walking you have to do. So much activity, so much sweat and oil, so much time in the sun, and through it all you must maintain a cool-and-composed façade for the ladies. How do you achieve this? How do you hide all the marks of being an active male and instead go about with the exterior of a well-groomed house-cat? Simple. Invest in the myriad face-care products that have changed the lives of men everywhere.
First step, buy the main product in excess. The main product should always be a fairness enhancer because that is the answer to everything in life. The containers don't contain nearly enough product to satisfy an aggressive man like you. Buy a dozen or so of the 'fairness' face washes containing essence of apricot and a hint of strawberry. Don't you feel more like a man already? A new you is coming, we can all sense it.
Second step, buy other products to go with the main product. You not only want to be as fair as a killer whale's belly, you also want to be as polished and smooth as a bowling ball, and also stay oil-free like your (potential) girlfriend's diet. Buy scrubs which are going to buff up your skin and make it so shiny and smooth that girls will be lining up to see their reflections on your muscular cheeks. Oil-controlling face washes will siphon off the oil and grime after a day of working out and doing man-things, leaving your skin dry and without a trace of the day's activities. Works like magic, right?
Third step, use a toner. Why? Because it's what women do, and since you've been following their steps thus far, might as well go on with it. Toning helps to either open up the pores or close the pores -- something to do with the pores. It increases your manhood, that's the important thing to remember as you dab away delicately with fluffy cotton pads.
After all that polishing, smoothening and tightening it's important to treat your skin to a little moisture -- fairness creams are just the thing to make sure you keep glowing like the angel you are, while your stock of body-spray does the job of convincing women that you really are a bad-boy. How are ladies going to resist you now?
Still, you can't deny yourself time in the sun with your (potential) woman -- and sooner rather than later beads of sweat will line your face and your ice-cool demeanour will melt away much to the horror of your (potential) girlfriend. The solution? Suntan lotion. Lightweight suntan lotion with violet extracts to create a perfume-y vibe and draw women in. Smells so good you could almost eat it. Hopefully, someone will want to. Eat it. Right off of your face.
An important trick to finding out exactly which product suits you best is to rummage through your sister's bathroom essentials and also those of any female whose washrooms you may have access to. Don't be afraid to use them -- just because their bottles aren't black and metal-looking doesn't mean the product itself is not suitable for you. The gentle pink-and-white containers have a charm of their own, calling out to the boy that is within every man, smelling deliciously of strawberries and pearls and long-forgotten dreams of rainbows and sparkles…


Just remember -- cleanse, scrub, tone and moisturise. Be a man. Go save the day.

Published: 12:00 am Thursday, June 26, 2014

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